Overcoming Barriers and Getting "UnStuck"
- Chris S
- May 23
- 7 min read
Updated: May 24
Trigger Warning: This article discusses topics such as childhood neglect, abandonment, and abuse that may be distressing for some readers.
I am a master at finding myself in situations with countless barriers, and I've had to figure out how to get unstuck. I know I am not alone. At age 16, my life was starkly different from my high school classmates. While they were developing life skills, building healthy relationships, and balancing school with extracurricular activities, I found myself at one of my lowest points. A year prior, I had moved from North Carolina to Ohio. I was no stranger to moving; by then, I had attended eight different schools. However, relocating as a teenager in high school posed unique challenges, and my ongoing depression from living in an abusive household was taking a toll on me.
Previously, I had sought solace in sports to escape my domestic troubles, but that was no longer an option for various reasons. During my sophomore year, a fundraiser led to embarrassment when my parents placed orders they never paid for, used the money I had collected from others, and then provided a bounced check to my basketball coach. This mortifying experience drove a wedge between me and the sport I had loved. Additionally, my irregular transportation made arriving at practices on time difficult, often resulting in extra laps as punishment for tardiness.
I had been working irregularly for years, babysitting or cleaning homes, but I did start work at a restaurant as soon as I was legally allowed to work consistently at age 15 and a half. This provided me with some much-needed time away from home. Fortunately, the restaurant I worked at was within walking distance of my house. However, the money I earned became communal instead of personal. I would have accepted this sacrifice if my family were facing financial difficulties. Yet this situation arose from my father's job loss, a common occurrence. He always blamed his employer; this time, he refused to look for new work.
Adding to my situation, I saw my father having inappropriate discussions with other women, frequently in my mother's presence, who was too insecure to step in or walk away. His behavior escalated to the point where he racked up our phone bill by hundreds of dollars talking to a young woman he met online and, on one occasion, even brought a woman to our home while my mother was at work, instructing me to "be nice to her because she could be my future stepmom."
During one of the darkest phases of my life, I felt profoundly trapped—"stuck" doesn’t quite capture it. I began engaging in escapist behaviors: isolating myself in my room, overworking, and even provoking verbal confrontations with my father. These tensions escalated to a point where he restrained me by my throat, and I responded, "Go ahead, squeeze harder."
I share this not to seek sympathy, but to highlight that you might also feel "stuck." There's no competition over whose trauma is worse or who leads in having the most damaging life. Everyone experiences challenging moments, and you may feel your own traumas, pains, or struggles as you read this. Your circumstances don't have to be as intense as I described, but they can still weigh heavily on you. Whether your challenges relate to your career, finances, relationships, or something else, your struggles are valid, and you can overcome them. So, how can you break free?
The process of getting unstuck is fundamentally a mental challenge. By deconstructing your issue into manageable steps, you can begin to gain momentum despite the quicksand. While many books or professionals might offer guidance on how to begin, here are a few strategies that were effective for me in the scenario above and in other situations:
Break Down the Problem:
All problems are the sum of a set of issues. Some issues are easy to see, while others may require deeper examination. You can begin breaking down a problem by listing all the issues that are making you feel stuck.
No matter the problem or situation, two sides will always exist: things you can control and those you cannot. Before you can even start to break down the problem, you have to separate these two things. It's important to recognize that some elements are beyond our control and can't be changed.
In the situation I shared above, I couldn't control who my parents were or how they treated me. I couldn't make my father have a stronger work ethic or treat my mother better. However, I could choose not to continue to live the same life. I could control how I responded to the situation, how I spent my time, and even what I did with the events I was seeing in front of me.
Fortunately, a solution came my way. My family was evicted from our home; my father moved to Florida, while my mother and younger brother relocated to a nearby motel. In that moment, I realized I could control my choices and didn’t want my education to suffer, as it was key to separating myself from my upbringing. Therefore, I temporarily stayed with a friend's family, thanks to a kind woman I now consider a mom, which allowed me to remain in the same school district. I lived with them for a few months, then with another family, until I eventually secured my own place with my then-boyfriend. Again, these were all choices that I had control over.
Make A Plan:
Now that you’re starting to see the challenges holding you back, it’s time to create a plan to guide you toward feeling freer and empowered. A boss of mine once said, "You would never get in a car to go somewhere you have never been without mapping it out. So why would you not do the same with your life?"
This is so true, yet I can't tell you how many people I have encountered who find planning difficult. I think it's the overwhelming thought of the great vastness of what may be vs. the simplicity that should be in making a plan. And this is the problem that most people have—whether it be a diet, a training plan, or a life plan, it often is too much and becomes overwhelming.
Remember, you are stuck. You will not become unstuck until you take one step...at a time. This will take careful planning, and you will need to start slow. Think about it. You don't just wake up and then run a marathon. No, you start with a mile, then 2, then 3.
You have to do the same with getting unstuck. Whatever your issue. Think of where you want to be. If, as an example, you are unhappy, you've already broken down the problem, so you know the things that are making you sad. You also know now where you should not be focusing your energy. Now think about where you want to be and work backwards.
Decide Where, Who, and What to Focus Your Energy On:
You have a limited amount of energy. So often, especially in business, I see people constantly focused and stuck on the negative. Day after day, they put their energies into complaining about problems or people rather than using their energy to solve those problems. I'm not saying you can't or shouldn't share concerns; I'm merely expressing the exorbitant amount of time wasted in a day, month, or even year, dwelling on the negative.
In my situation, it wasn't all rainbows and butterflies when I moved out. There was still some significant damage, knowing that even though I was finally able to breathe, I was also abandoned and unwanted. I began developing migraines at that time due to the stress of everything. However, it was also at this time that I made a huge shift that was instrumental in my future. I decided that my energy would forever focus on the people, activities, places, and things that made me better. This wasn't something I mastered overnight, of course, but the seed was planted at that time. I started learning about a post-secondary education program where I could attend college in my senior year of high school and earn college credits. This was huge for someone from my upbringing, a house where my mother graduated but struggled, and my father and brother didn't. I knew college was something I needed to do, and paying for it would be all on me, so I put all my attention into making sure I could make this a reality. I had lost four credits my freshman year due to leaving the week of finals, so I had to make this up during my junior year by taking extra classes. I continued to work as many hours as possible as well.
By focusing my attention and energy on something positive rather than negative, I was able to get unstuck and build a foundation for my future. And you can do this, too.
Remember to Give Yourself Grace
I don't know about you, but I often find myself to be my own harshest judge. This stems from a lifetime of being told I have little value, which eventually led me to believe it. We are all human, and making mistakes is part of that; what truly matters is how we respond to them.
We frequently encounter moments when we feel trapped, unable to forgive ourselves for previous actions or mistakes. In these situations, we often end up becoming our own worst enemies, creating barriers that are entirely self-inflicted.
As you spent time breaking down your problem, did you identify self-blame as a contributing factor to your feelings? Did you notice thoughts such as "I am not capable of achieving my goals" or "I will never be successful"? The narratives we create shape our reality and influence how we view ourselves and our potential for growth, even if we don’t fully recognize it.
To truly get unstuck in life, you must first learn to let go of whatever is holding you back. This process begins with self-reflection; stand in front of a mirror and confront your true self. Take a moment to honestly assess your thoughts, feelings, and actions. It’s essential to acknowledge your struggles and recognize the parts of yourself that need healing.
Once you’ve done this, practice self-forgiveness. Understand that everyone makes mistakes, and it's essential to forgive yourself for past decisions that have contributed to your current situation. Allow yourself the grace to move forward without the burden of guilt.
Embrace the Suck but Learn From It
We often find ourselves stuck because we are so overwhelmed by the enormity of the circumstances. While difficult, sometimes embracing the situation can be beneficial. There's a reason older people are considered wise—they've lived through challenging moments and gained valuable life lessons. As you emerge from tough times, you’ll discover personal growth.
Every bad experience has taught me a lesson, and I use it to identify areas for future self-improvement. Emerging from feeling stuck can bring brightness and beauty if you choose to embrace the power of what life offers.
This is explained well in one of my husband's favorite quotes from Beavis and Butthead: "You have to stuff that sucks to have stuff that's cool."
Do you struggle to create a plan?
Yes - but only for longer term planning
Yes, always
Sometimes
No, not at all
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